"Give it to God... and go to sleep"

I've been struggling... a lot.  I cry a lot.  I think about Mom all the time.  I think about how my kids won't have her in their life anymore.  I think about how I don't have a Mom anymore.  I think about how she was...  and how I wish she would have been.  I think about Ryan not having a Mother-in-Law anymore.  I think about Dad.  

I'm just sad.  

Monday night was a bad night at our house.  Cora was a disaster...  threw a fit at tumbling, so I scooped her up with tears in my eyes, and carried her out of there so mad.  I hollered at her with tears in my eyes, and we drove home.  I put her in her room, and I just bawled.  

Ryan was out of town Monday night as well.  I'm used to that - but I'm not used to that since losing my Mom.  I felt SOOO alone after the kids were in bed.  (They both were tired and beyond mouthy - so they both were in bed at 7:45).  I should have been in 'heaven', but I wasn't.  I just sat in Ryan's chair and cried... and prayed.  My good friend, Colleen, told me to 'Give it to God, and go to sleep'.  And I did...  eventually went to sleep, but I prayed and prayed (even asked Mom to step in)...  

Monday was my first day back to work...  it went 'ok'.  I cried in the morning, then put on my 'big shoes' and worked.  I did well, until about 2:00...  then it hit me again.  Exhaustion.  Tears.   Tuesday was a planned day off from work...  my annual shopping day with my sisters.  We had a nice time, but it wasn't the same.  We all were 'off'.  We tried so hard...  but in the end, we were just sad.  I know this takes time...  

And now it's Wednesday.  There's officer shootings in the metro area of Des Moines.  And everyone is sad.  I'm sad.