Missing Mom

Not a day goes by that I don't think about Mom.  Not a MOMENT goes by actually.  I catch myself trying to have conversations with anyone, and she's on my mind.  Constantly.  Still. 

Yesterday, I drove to Clarion for a funeral...  a high school friend of mine lost her Mom to lung cancer (a very fast 2 1/2 months for them).  I grew up with that family...  grew up with my friend.  We were close - ran track together, played volleyball together, had plenty of sleepovers, had plenty of late nights driving the 'square' in town.  Just a ton of memories.  And yes, we don't see each other or talk often now... but I tell you what - when something like this happens to someone - somehow we reconnect.  And I'm very appreciative of that. 

Anyway, Trish and I attended the funeral...  and it was beautiful, very simple ceremony, with a very blessed family. And all I could do is think about Mom.  I saw Mom in the casket, I saw Mom there in the old church she used to clean, I saw Mom as I spoke with some of the older folks from Clarion, I saw Mom at the cemetery, I saw Mom just with us.  Which I'm very thankful for... but hurt and ache so darn bad. Still.

My friend was happy to see us... and the first thing she said to Trish and I was - "When does the pit on your stomach go away?"  And we both teared up and nearly at the same time said - "We still have it, it doesn't go away."
and that's true...  every single day, I wake with a pit in my stomach, an achy tummy, achy heart.  Every day.  Some days it's less than others, some days it's there ALL DAY LONG and I can't shake it.  Some days my heart just hurts and I want to cry all the time, but I stay strong.  Some days I'm happy and things are awesome.  But every day, I constantly have Mom on my mind.  I miss her.  Terribly.  I miss it all...