Hardy Monument - Part 1

Yesterday, Trish, Jill, Dad and I got together with the funeral home in Clarion to choose a headstone for Mom (and Dad).  Dad had some ideas already...  (basic stuff), so it went smoothly...  and the rough draft looks great. 

We've finalized the 'front', but now are waiting on the 'back'.  We sent a few images to the guy to show us how it would look etched out on the back... and then also a saying.  So we are waiting on that, then we'll finalize our decision, and hope to have this back and at the cemetery by Memorial Day. 

What a bittersweet day.

Rough draft

Christmas 2016 #1 (St. Joe, MO)

Saturday morning we got up and at 'em... and headed down to St. Joe, MO.  It's our annual trip.  I woke sad... and all emotional, but kept myself together on the trip down there.  We met up with Ryan's folks, Blair, Martina and the kids for lunch.  I was super on edge, and just feeling lost kinda...  I couldn't stop thinking about Mom, I couldn't stop thinking about my kids and just being sad... and there really wasn't a reason to be.  I felt awful that I couldn't shake it.  ugh. 

After lunch, a few of us and the kids walked around the mall there and just wasted some time...  picked up a few things for the kiddos for Christmas.  Then we met the rest of the crew, along with Aunt Maagie, Jimmy, Diana, and Janet to bowl.  We did that last year too... kiddos enjoyed it.  It was a good time this time as well.  Tate decided it would be best if it was 'boys against girls'.  I believe the girls won - I kicked some butt.  ha.  At one time Mr. Coach Tate brought the guys in for a 'huddle' to get them pumped up and do better.  Oh that kid.  Love him, too funny!

Following bowling we went to the hotel and got all unloaded and situated...  then we gathered to have some supper there at the hotel.   Aunt Maagie and Jimmy and Diana all had little gifts for the kids, which is super nice and thoughtful.  K and Cora got some great things - they were so excited.  That brought a warm heart to me, and some smiles... seeing them happy, makes me happy.  

And then we had the kids swim for a bit.  The water was SUPER warm, so they swam for a long time actually!  Definitely got worn out!  Kayson said this morning "I had such a good time swimming last night."  That's awesome - making good memories right there.  

We wrapped up the night with baths and bed... and slept pretty good.  Cora moves a lot.  Kayson talks in his sleep.  And Ryan snores, loud.  :)  I sleep so quietly.  ha.  I know I don't...  but I sure seem to be 'normal' compared to those three.  

Anyway, we got up this morning and enjoyed the breakfast there at the hotel... then were on the road around 10ish.  The drive home was nice...  but again, I felt so sad, and just terrible.  I feel bad that I wasn't talkative with Ryan's family...  and then also feel bad I didn't get pictures with Aunt Maagie.  I mean, what was I thinking!?  I obviously wasn't.   I sure hope I get out of this funk soon, and hope that Mom can help me with that... somehow?!

These boys...  Love them.

Our little fish!  He does really well.

a new high chair AND baby clothes for Baby Grace

Poppy the Troll!

Thanksgiving 2016

It seems like Thanksgiving was forever ago... we've been so busy.

This year, we headed up to Clarion Thursday morning.  We could have went Wednesday night, but just decided to stay in and get a good nights rest in our own beds.  We got to the farm around 10:20 Thursday morning...  and we started prepping the food, and just hanging out.  The minute I walked in, I just felt better... I've been having such a hard time at home, in our own home lately.   I'm just so antsy, and on edge...  (random spurts of just being all out of whack and so sad, but then completely normal the next minute) --- but being at the farm put some ease on me, which seems weird kinda.  I mean, Mom isn't there...  so I would have thought it would make me nervous or even more sad, etc...  but it doesn't.  I think just being there with Dad and my sisters is comforting... for now.  So I really enjoyed our time up in Clarion. 

Anyway, we had a great meal... and literally just hung out all day.  A bunch of us played Phase 10, which took forever, but we had good laughs.  We hung out, ate and hung out some more.  We all went into the cemetery that afternoon too...  Ryan had bought some nice flowers for Mom, so we put those there, and just gathered...  It was bittersweet having us all there again, all together.  And Dad too - he's had a hard time stopping at the grave to talk to Mom, so I think it was special to have us all there with him.  Cora and I blew tons of kisses to Mom, which makes my tears just fall and fall... still.  We miss her.

The rest of the night we ate some more... and that's about it.  Most everyone headed out around 7:30, then we stayed with Dad that night.  The kids did pretty well - slept pretty good too.  

We headed back home Friday late morning to just have another day at home.  I got a feather up my butt and got our Christmas trees out.  They look great, minus the upstairs one is not decorated.  We are going to finally get new ornaments (after 8 years maybe?!?!?)  I just need to do that this week... which will probably take me forever to choose.  ha.  

Anyway, we had a good day at home Friday and that evening. 

It was a nice Thanksgiving holiday.  I smile, and I ache at the same time.  I want things to be better... and I want to be happier.  I guess it's going to take some more time. 

Grand kiddos with Papa (or "G-Pa" as some of the older kids call him!)

Weekend

It's been awhile since I've had a regular/normal 'weekend' post.  Even though, things aren't really normal... it was nice to have a quiet weekend at home. 

Friday:
Dinner out... then just hung out.  The kids were a little rowdy...  bedtime came at normal time.  I know I was just over the week and day - so I may have had a short fuse. 

Saturday:
Up and at em.  Ryan went into work for a bit.  The kids and I just hung out...  soon, one of Cora's friends, Elaina, came over to play.  The girls used to go to daycare together, but Elaina now stays home with a nanny.  We are glad we've kept the girls in touch - they play so well together.  Elaina is just the sweetest thing - saying 'please' and 'thank you' more than I've ever seen a 4 year old do!  They played dolls, play-doh, watched a little movie, had a snack, and more playing.  It was a good couple hours.  

Then I kind of lost myself.  I was making lunch for us... and tears just fell and fell.  For what looked like a crazy mom or wife - I felt like that too.  I just cried and cried, and felt so down for a couple hours...  I took a rest while Cora rested...  then felt a little better.  I hate that stuff is so random... and I had no idea it was coming.  

Saturday afternoon we took the kids to the movie "Trolls".  What a good little movie - it quite possibly was just what I needed.  It's one of those feel-good movies... hoping everyone and everything around you is happy.  I hope that for sure.  The kids like it too.  We grabbed a quick supper, then home for bath and bed.  Another quiet night. 

Sunday:
Church.  Following church was the "Hanging of the Greens" - getting ready for Christmas.  We decided to stick around... and I'm glad we did.  We had a great time decorating the trees, and just talking and laughing with a few church friends.  I had a good time... and it kinda made me a little interested in getting our Christmas stuff out.  Kinda.  Still waiting til the first weekend in December...  but kinda.  ha.  The kiddos helped too, so that was nice. 

This afternoon we did a few random things - errands, groceries, and cleaning bathrooms.  It was a good little afternoon.  Kiddos are in bed...  and Murphy and I are snuggling.  :)  I've done something to my back or hips - and am in a lot of pain actually.  I almost feel like my hip is out of place, or something... just achy.  I hope to get adjusted tomorrow!

So...  no tears so far today.  Again, so random... 

As you can see, Kayson is less than cooperative when it comes to taking photos lately.  He's either making a 'dumb' face, or acting weird - or photo bombing a pic with a great smile.  Seriously kid.

Too many funerals

It's been a busy week.  One just trying to keep things somewhat 'normal' around here - at home, at work, just in general.  Unfortunately, normal wasn't what happened the first couple days of the week. 

Lacey's grandpa passed last Friday - so I drove up to Clarion Monday night for the visitation.  Lacey and I are best friends... talk daily, and on Friday and Saturday we talked for over an hour each.  She told me over and over again, that I didn't need to come Monday.  "It's too new for you", she said.  But I did.  I wanted to.  PLUS, Monday was Mom's birthday.  That in itself, was SUPER hard... but I thought if I went up to Clarion, I could visit her and also see Dad.  I stopped to see and talk to Mom...  she needs flowers. I cried and cried, telling her happy birthday and that I was so sorry she was gone.  Then I made my way to see Lacey and her family.  I then met Dad, Trish, Eden, Jill, Jeff, Linds and Ryan for a quick supper...  it was nice.  Then I headed back... getting home around 8:20.  The kids had good nights, but I could tell they were out of whack.  I messed up their night by being gone - so many good and bad things about that, but at that moment - it was bad.  I hate ruining a routine.

Our other friend, Jess, loss her Dad Sunday morning (3 weeks to the day of losing Mom).  Tears just fell and fell - I ached for her, and still do.  So Tuesday evening, after our Parent - Teacher conferences, Ryan and I headed over to Grinnell for that visitation.  Exhausting.   We got home late, but had the sitter keep the kids up...  we did baths quick and then bed.  They (and us) were so tired this morning.  I'm ready for 'normal' - is there normal??? 

So, I'm praying there are no more funerals for a very long time.  I know I'm over it.  I need to start concentrating on the holidays and attempting to get somewhat excited for it.  At this moment, I can't even begin to smile about all that commotion/travelling, etc. and the fact that Mom will not be here.   It just makes me sick. 

Kayson 2nd Grade Fall Conference

Ryan, Kayson and I had his first conference for 2nd grade last night.  We met his long-term sub, Mrs. Van Gelder.  Mrs. Van Meter is still on maternity leave. 

Mrs. Van Gelder seems very nice.  She let Kayson do a little reading to us, letting us know some of the things he's been working on, etc.  One of the things was expressing how well he's doing on certain things - like: "sharing thoughts with others in the class".  He had marked that as 'needed to work on', but Mrs. Van Gelder expressed that she thought he does a great job at that - he's always raising his hand and wanting to share. 

She let us know that Kayson is a very good reader, and does a great job at explaining the story and being able to give facts about the story, and the people.  He's also very descriptive when relaying the story.  She also agrees with us, that he shows a lot of interest in the social studies and science subjects.  

Like last year, we do have one 'negative' that Kayson needs to work on --- his talking!  He's just a little social guy, and loves his friends.  Mrs. Van Gelder said that she does need to distract him a couple times in the mornings to get him on track and not chatting.  She said he's not the only kid that does this.  So we will be reminding Kayson to 'put first things first'.  :)

She didn't provide any of the FAST scores, which I completely spaced off until we were gone...  but regardless, we believe K is doing well.  


UPDATE - I ended up asking the teacher regarding the FAST score:  Kayson's is 483.

Oh So Random

I've realized over the past 3 weeks that things have just been weird, random and rather 'boring'.  I don't mean boring (like nothing to do), I mean more like - no real motivation to do much, a lot of spacing out, and just a lot of thinking.  

Friday I took the day off from work.  It was completely spur of the moment - I apparently needed it, and for good reason.  Thursday night Cora started acting weird - really quiet and just restless.  Friday morning, she woke with a low fever.  My instant thought was she had Hand Foot and Mouth from Landry (as Lanny had that last week/weekend when we were there).  We got meds in her - and she went to school.  She wanted to, and really acted fine Friday morning/ate breakfast.  She made it all day - teachers said she was great.  

Along with that, Ryan didn't sleep and woke with rash on his hands/itchy rash.  Another sign of HFM.  I literally wanted to come out of my skin and scream, cry, whatever.  

So...  Friday ended up being a good day for just me.  I needed it.  I got a phone call from my best friend early that morning saying that her grandpa passed early that morning from Alzheimer's.  A rush of tears just fell and fell as we talked for an hour.  It hurt, and I know they are hurting too.  Another good friend of mine's father has been put into hospice...  so they are aching as well.   It seemed on Friday that everything was going wrong - nothing was right.  Nothing was falling into place (or a good place). 

I spent the day at home.  I was a hermit and snuggled with Murphy and watched TV.  I did one errand - the grocery store, only because we had no milk.   

That night Ryan and I were supposed to go out for dinner (originally with our close friends, but they needed to cancel), so we were just going to go...  but Cora still wasn't acting right, and I was worried about her, and Ryan as well.  So we stayed home.  

I've just been all over the place lately.  I know this is normal, I know this will 'go away'...  

And today (Saturday), is a new day.  I haven't cried yet today - that's HUGE!!!!  We hung out this morning - Kayson and I went to the school book fair for a little bit.  Ryan's rash seems to be better, but seems to have a cold.  And Cora's fever is gone, however, she's super restless and has a deep cough in her chest.  She did take a rest (a restless one - where I was in her room 3 times), but she did rest.   Ryan headed over to Iowa City with a bunch of Creston guys around noon... a night game. 

Hope and Logan came to visit - which is always nice.  Always a fun break.   Cora acted weird when we went to supper - wouldn't eat anything, but once we were home, she perked back up.  I don't know what's going on - I'm worried about her... 

So...  I started this post as random, and it sure is.  I, again, feel all over the board!  Here are a few pictures of the last couple days...  (I need to get better at taking pics)!

Decorating a 'boat' out of cardboard box.  Creative.  :)

When he gives that smile - I melt.

She said it was raining inside

2 Weeks

It's been 2 weeks since Mom's passing...  2 weeks since that terrible phone call that I will never forget...  2 weeks since me shaking and bawling and pacing back and forth...  2 weeks.  

The last 2 weeks has been a blur.  I remember everything, but it's all blended together - all my thoughts, emotions, all the traveling, all the talks, the tears and then the days with no tears, cuz I just couldn't cry anymore.  

I still can't believe she's gone. 

Taylor Cousin Day

We've had a trip planned to Sioux City for about a month now...  we don't get over there often enough, with busy weekends.  So we made the trip Friday after work - got on the road about 4:45.  It was good trip... smooth, no meltdowns from the kids.  Score.  

We got to Blair and Martina's about 7:45...  the kids started playing, and we had some popcorn, and got the kiddos ready for bed.  

Saturday morning we got up and ready for the day.  We took the kids to a place called Drop Zone, it's really similar to Sky Zone here in Des Moines - basically a trampoline park.  The boys - both big and small were off to the big trampolines - dodge ball - and ninja warrior type area.  The little girls and Martina and I had to stay in a smaller section - with a fun little trampoline, as well as a big play area.  Everyone did really well, and they all had fun.  Blair and Ryan were sweaty!  ha.  

We grabbed lunch out... then back to the house to just hang out.  Kayson and Tate played outside most of the afternoon - did fairly well.  The girls took their rests, which was much needed.  Martina and I went to Kohl's and Target and walked around...  was nice to just have some time with her.  She's prepping to have that 3rd baby...  and I needed a distraction from thinking about Mom.  It was a win-win.  We had a nice couple hours. 

Blair grilled out for us Saturday night...  and then we got on the road about 7:30.  The kids did well on the ride home - a movie for the first half, then slept...  it worked out well. 

Here are some pics of our day.

"Give it to God... and go to sleep"

I've been struggling... a lot.  I cry a lot.  I think about Mom all the time.  I think about how my kids won't have her in their life anymore.  I think about how I don't have a Mom anymore.  I think about how she was...  and how I wish she would have been.  I think about Ryan not having a Mother-in-Law anymore.  I think about Dad.  

I'm just sad.  

Monday night was a bad night at our house.  Cora was a disaster...  threw a fit at tumbling, so I scooped her up with tears in my eyes, and carried her out of there so mad.  I hollered at her with tears in my eyes, and we drove home.  I put her in her room, and I just bawled.  

Ryan was out of town Monday night as well.  I'm used to that - but I'm not used to that since losing my Mom.  I felt SOOO alone after the kids were in bed.  (They both were tired and beyond mouthy - so they both were in bed at 7:45).  I should have been in 'heaven', but I wasn't.  I just sat in Ryan's chair and cried... and prayed.  My good friend, Colleen, told me to 'Give it to God, and go to sleep'.  And I did...  eventually went to sleep, but I prayed and prayed (even asked Mom to step in)...  

Monday was my first day back to work...  it went 'ok'.  I cried in the morning, then put on my 'big shoes' and worked.  I did well, until about 2:00...  then it hit me again.  Exhaustion.  Tears.   Tuesday was a planned day off from work...  my annual shopping day with my sisters.  We had a nice time, but it wasn't the same.  We all were 'off'.  We tried so hard...  but in the end, we were just sad.  I know this takes time...  

And now it's Wednesday.  There's officer shootings in the metro area of Des Moines.  And everyone is sad.  I'm sad.