Grieving

I've never had to 'grieve' before, until losing Mom.  And I tell you what, it's one of the biggest roller coasters I've ever been through (and I HATE roller coasters!!) and it's also a very long process.  

Typically there are 6 'phases' of grief.  

• Denial/Shock
• Anger/Resentment
• Guilt
• Depression
• Loneliness
• Hope

As of now - I sincerely believe I've been through 4 of them thus far... in nearly 4 months.  I have realized that I go back and forth between a few of them quite often (especially the depression and guilt). But just because I've 'experienced' some of the stages... I truly don't believe that grief will ever really pass.  You don't ever 'move on' from it.  So far, I've just learned to live with it. It's kind of become a part of me and my life right now.   I've just simply adjusted things and the way I feel/think, etc.  I think some day I'll be 'stronger' from this, but right now... I'm not.  When I sit back and really think about all of this, it's amazing.  It's amazing how ones body can handle all of these emotions (sometimes all at the same time), or just one for a very very long time.  I sometimes am just so baffled by how I feel day to day.  I don't like that - because I feel 'crazy' sometimes.  I'm still aching inside...  I try not to show it as much on the outside, but I've truly had a heart-ache every day. I hate having my kiddos see that (when I can't control the outside) and have them not really understand.  I try to explain, but sometimes I just don't want to.  

With Mom...  and it may be different for some others...  I 'lost' her about 4 years ago.  When she began losing her memory, repeating things, then slowing and profoundly doing very odd things...  and then not being able to take care of herself (or Dad)...  I lost her.  We all lost her.  She wasn't our Mom anymore.  She was this person who was lost and didn't know right from wrong, and barely knew the people around her.  The only part of grief I had then (for a couple years) was complete denial.  I didn't want to believe this was happening... and truly wanted it to just all go away and one day she'd wake up and be all better.

We all knew she would die from that terrible disease...  but not in a million years did we think she was pass on October 23, 2016.  Never.  And at about 1:20 that afternoon... that's when my true grieving continued.  

With Mom being gone for almost 4 months now...  it's somewhat unbelievable still.  I still think she's at the farm with Dad from time to time.  I still think she's going to call me every once in awhile.  I still think she's spending time with Trish and Jill and the kiddos in Clarion.   I still think she's driving her red truck around town, getting her Diet Coke and cleaning the church.  I still think... and I still want her to do all of those things.

With these short 4 months...  I've realized that there's not just the anniversary of her death.  There's more.   It's not the yearly events either, like birthdays or special holidays, it's about random days when my mind wanders and I think/remember all the things about Mom - what she did, how she was and how she loved us.   I remember Mom sitting on our couch helping me fold Kayson's baby clothes before he was born, or when she'd come to our house and clean (because she loved to!).  I remember her disappointment in me when I got a divorce.  I remember then the new love and worry she had for me when I was 'on my own'... and the new love she grew for Ryan.  I remember the way she would cheer for me at my track meets or volleyball games.  I will never ever forget her voice.  I remember her voice when Ryan called and told her Kayson was going to be born on Christmas Day.  

I definitely haven't reached the "Hope" stage.  I don't have much hope right now...  as I struggle with nerves and worries.  I may have a little hope knowing that Mom is 'better', but I don't have much hope for my future (when it comes to Alzheimer's).  I still am concerned I'll have this terrible disease or my kiddos will have it.  I know it's a long ways down the road, but I think about it, a lot. 

Grieving is hard... and I don't wish this upon anyone.  Each day is new and different for me...  and I just continue to pray daily that I (along with my Dad and sisters) can get through the days.  I miss my family terribly...  and miss Mom even more.