Some days are good. Some days are bad. or just 5 minutes of the day is terrible.
The other night I started a list of the things I feel when I'm sad. (This was suggested to do by a grief brochure that I read).
- I'm very thankful that we still have my Dad, and Ryan's folks - but I think almost every time we are with Ryan's Mom - I wish my Mom was doing the things JeanAnn is doing, making those memories with our kiddos. I want our kids to have those memories with my Mom too. Those memories are few and far between, especially for Cora. That makes me so sad for our kids.
- I think about Mom every morning... it's almost like I wake and it's the first thing on my mind. I wonder how she is. I wonder how she'll be with me today... how does she spread herself to my sisters, and my Dad, and my nieces/nephew too.
- I feel like I'm starting to see my Mom in me. This is probably what triggers the morning thoughts too. I feel like I look like her from time to time.
- I feel guilty a lot... sad still, but mostly guilty. Ryan and I had a talk the other day about my guilt. I feel guilty we didn't spend more time with her when she was sick. We could have went up there more. Would she have remembered me if we would have visited more? But then I didn't want our kiddos to see her that way. (but is/was that the right decision??) I don't know the answer to that. It's hard regardless. But I feel the guilt is really heavy on my heart right now.
I've been praying more. And I do believe it's working... that power of prayer is an amazing thing. I know I need to keep my head up, and I know I'll have hard days, but like Ryan has said to me - "we have a lot of years ahead of us. You are a terrific Mom and good wife, let's not worry about when or if you get Alzheimer's - let's be happy."
I love you Mom.
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