10 Year Anniversary trip PLANNED

Over the past 5 months or so, Ryan and I have been talking about our 10 year wedding anniversary.  We want to go somewhere - well, maybe I wanted to go more than him??  :)  But regardless, we knew we needed to get away.  10 years.  I mean, that's a big deal right?!

Well, Mom ended up going to the care center...  so we put it off...  then she passed away... and we really put it off.  It honestly was the LAST thing that I wanted to do - plan a get away.  (Which seems silly, cuz it's totally what I need!)  Anyway... then the holidays came and went...  

and here we are - end of January. 

We booked it.  :)

We are going to the Riviera Maya - El Dorado Royal resort.  We'll be heading there in early June, and I tell you what - I can't wait.  I know I'll miss the kids and I know I can't have that control for 1 week... but gosh, I need some time with Ryan, and relax, and just soak in everything.  

Mexico - here we come!!!  125 days!  :)

Weekend

We had a great weekend... 
Friday:
Following a long week... we headed out to try Spaghetti Works downtown.  We haven't been there in probably 15 years???  I know it's been awhile for Ryan for sure.  Kayson was excited cuz he's been there - they go for summer program.  Anyway, we had a great spot by a front window... and the kids ate awesome.  It was super yummy. 

Back home and bed. 

Saturday:
Our last basketball games for the season.  This week was much better than last week.  K did well, getting a few shots in.  We headed back home...  lunch was had, then quiet.  I had a massage scheduled at LifeTime, so I did that.  And man oh man, did it hurt.  So bad.  I know massages are supposed to be relaxing and make you feel good.  Well, not for me.  My back is a mess... and I have terrible posture, which does NOT help the situation at all.  The massage therapist literally said to me - "your a mess."  Yah, I've heard that before, like every.single.time.  Anyway, he killed me!!!!!  I left there thinking - wow, I'm not sure if I can even function I hurt so bad.  

I got home... showered quick, then Scott and Duke came over.  We all headed out to Pella to watch Colby play ball.  Super good trip over (and back)... the kids did great.  It was nice having Duke there for Kayson. 

We had dinner after the game, then back home.  Seemed like a short Saturday, but we did a lot!

Sunday:
Church.  And today I taught Kayson's Sunday School class.  I did well, I think.  ha.  I'm not a huge fan of teaching, but I also want to help out if needed.  I'm just not comfortable with the bible and things like that...  but today went well.  The kids were good and seemed half way interested.  :)

Then we were home all afternoon.  Duke came and hung out with us again.  So Kayson was busy (and happy) all afternoon.  Duke was with us for about 4 hours...  they played SO well together.  They of course did the PS4 and iPads, but also played outside a little too.  It was a super nice afternoon.  

Also this afternoon we skipped Cora's rest.  She's been struggling at bedtime...  not necessarily fighting us, but just not falling asleep for a long time...  (we put her to bed at 8:20/8:30, and she's still awake at 9:15.)  So...  we skipped nap today.  We were home and it was a fairly quiet afternoon, so we thought we'd try.  By 6:30 she was getting 'silly' and a little owly.  I put her to bed about 7:35... and when I went to check on her at 7:55, she was asleep.  SUCCESS.  

We just need to figure this out a little.  We never, ever had problems with Kayson going to bed and doing naps at the same time... so it's new to us.  We'll try whatever, and see what works.  We still want her resting at daycare... as they still have a set time for that.  She'll get the naps 'taken away' when she's 5 and in the last room before Kindergarten...  but we still have a ways to go.  More to come I'm sure!

The rest of our night has been nice...  kids to bed early, I actually painted my nails for the first time in forever, I colored and now... more quiet.  

It was a super nice weekend.  I'm totally bummed it's over.  

A few pics!

Dessert Friday night.  He ate a ton!!

K and Duke - sporting Steph Curry apparel

Kayson - 8 Year Well Check

Another year has passed...  back to the doc.  8 year well check. 

K's stats:
Weight: 57.2 lbs. (51%) - skinny!, but he grew 7 lbs from last year
Height: 4' 4.5" (80%)

Dr. Beebe was running behind, so we sat for a long time... and that made Kayson irritated.  :)  But soon enough, she was visiting with us, and talking with Kayson.  He did well with her - talked, and laughed.  She's really good with him.  

Quick and easy.  :)  and such a goofball.  :)

3 Months

The 23rd of each month brings all those thoughts and feelings back to my heart and head...  it's been 3 months already since Mom passed away.  3 months.  Unbelievable.  How am I going to feel when it's 6 months, or a year, or several years?  

Some days are good.  Some days are bad.  or just 5 minutes of the day is terrible.  

The other night I started a list of the things I feel when I'm sad.  (This was suggested to do by a grief brochure that I read).  

• I'm very thankful that we still have my Dad, and Ryan's folks - but I think almost every time we are with Ryan's Mom - I wish my Mom was doing the things JeanAnn is doing, making those memories with our kiddos.  I want our kids to have those memories with my Mom too.  Those memories are few and far between, especially for Cora.  That makes me so sad for our kids.
• I think about Mom every morning... it's almost like I wake and it's the first thing on my mind.  I wonder how she is.  I wonder how she'll be with me today... how does she spread herself to my sisters, and my Dad, and my nieces/nephew too. 
• I feel like I'm starting to see my Mom in me.  This is probably what triggers the morning thoughts too.  I feel like I look like her from time to time.  
• I feel guilty a lot...  sad still, but mostly guilty.  Ryan and I had a talk the other day about my guilt.  I feel guilty we didn't spend more time with her when she was sick.  We could have went up there more.  Would she have remembered me if we would have visited more?  But then I didn't want our kiddos to see her that way.  (but is/was that the right decision??)  I don't know the answer to that.  It's hard regardless.  But I feel the guilt is really heavy on my heart right now.  

I've been praying more. And I do believe it's working...  that power of prayer is an amazing thing.  I know I need to keep my head up, and I know I'll have hard days, but like Ryan has said to me - "we have a lot of years ahead of us.  You are a terrific Mom and good wife, let's not worry about when or if you get Alzheimer's - let's be happy."

I love you Mom. 

Weekend

Friday:
I left work early and had a yummy lunch with Lacey.  She gave me a great little gift for my birthday too.  Super nice to spend some time with her (outside of the salon!)  
That night, we utilized a new sitter (a gal from our church), and met up with Jess and Lex for a drink and supper.  Jess and I haven't really connected for awhile, since losing our parents...  I have been so down and hesitant about much lately, but it was a good couple of hours with our friends.  

Abby, the sitter, did well with the kiddos... however, Cora wouldn't go to bed for her.  Huge bummer.  So miss thing was up til about 10:15.  Oops.  

Saturday:
Another morning at the South Middle School gym for Kayson.  This Saturday's games weren't all that great though.  Our team was struggling...  struggling even getting the ball up the court.  Lots of taking the ball away (them taking it from us!)  It just wasn't all that fun.  Kayson got bonked in the mouth by the head of another player... so he had a little bloody lip for a bit.  It just was kind of a mess.  Not much fun.   Oh well - we move on.  They are 8. 

We headed home... got K showered up, and the kiddos packed up.  They headed over to Sioux City with Ryan's parents.  Mike and JeanAnn had planned to visit over there to watch Tate play a basketball game, so they thought it would be fun to take our kiddos, and even surprise Tate and Landry.  It all worked out... they got there safely, and Tate was SUPER excited and surprised to see Kayson.  (He was a little less than thrilled to see Cora first - but then saw K and he was pumped!)  so funny.  Anyway, they spent the day/night with them.  

After the kiddos left, I layed down and snoozed.  I've been tired, and just not 'into' much, so it was probably a good thing the kids were elsewhere.  Soon enough, Ryan wanted to go work out...  yes, I got off my ass and went too.  It helped... helped both of us.  We worked out, then got a salad and wrap from a local restaurant, and back home to get showered up. 

We decided to go see a movie - we saw "Hidden Figures".  Wow - what a wonderful movie.  So glad we took the time to do that.  After wards, we went to Cheesecake Factory and had a drink and just talked.  Again, really nice, and just what we needed.  We may or may not have purchased 5 pieces of cheesecake to bring home and eat over this week.  Yes, we did.  :)

Sunday:
We slept in.  Like really slept in - 8:40!!!  Holy crap. 
We hurried and got ready for our day...  headed to church.  Then we grabbed some lunch out, and did a few errands.  Then around 3:00 we headed to meet the kiddos and Ryan's folks about 30 minutes away.  The kids were excited to see us (me too!) - I missed them.  

The rest of the day was just played and some relaxing.   

It was a nice weekend...  I'm not nearly as pissed as I normally am that it's Sunday!  It's my birthday week...  eek - I can taste 40.  :)

K and Tate at Aunt Tina's/Uncle Blair's

Just one of those days

Yesterday was 'just one of those days'.  One of those days where my mind raced, my anxiety was through my chest/up my throat, and the tears fell and fell.  

One of those days when I wanted everything to be perfect - and I know that's impossible.  
I worried about my kids - wanting to make sure they know how much I love them, wanting to be the best mom I can be to them.  I worried about getting old (my birthday is just a few days away), I worried about getting Alzheimer's.  I thought about Mom.  I felt guilty for not being around more when she was really sick.  

You name it, I thought it... and felt it, and ached.  

And when those days happen - they completely trump the good days I had had before...  I had done well for about a week or so.  It's just so damn hard trying to gather all of this.  It's exhausting. 

Slight addiction???

I posted about a week ago on FB/Instagram that I had purchased some adult coloring books --- in hopes to help calm me a little, rest my mind (or at least not have my mind constantly on missing Mom and feeling guilty, and sad, and mad).   Well, it's worked.  

I'm slightly addicted to this new found love for quiet and coloring...  I love it. 

Weekend

Friday:
We just stayed in...  I was crabby, kids were tired, and it's a good possibility that Ryan was crabby too.  So... we were a good mix.  Pizza was ordered...  and it was a quiet night at home. 

Saturday:
It ended up being a busy Saturday. 
We start with basketball now on Saturday mornings in January...  I like it, it makes us get up and be productive.  Kayson did pretty good... not as good as last week tho!  He still made some shots, but we were up against tougher teams.  (at 8 years old).  ha.  Anyway, Trish, my Dad, Hope and Logan made the trip to watch Kayson too - which was super nice.  It was nice to spend a couple hours with them.   We grabbed lunch afterwards too...  much needed time.  

They headed back home...  we went and purchased Cora new car seats.  She's a big girl now...  we've been putting this off forever, it seems (not really), but she's big enough to be in a booster type seat now.  She was ECSTATIC!  It was pretty sweet. 

Home - and we just hung out a little bit, Cora took a rest... and then we took the kids to the pool at Lifetime.  I think we wore them out, cuz they ate supper well, and didn't fight us on baths.  :)   A movie was watched... and bed.  I think I was wiped out too.  

Saturday was Tate's birthday too...  he had a little birthday party with some of his friends, which we believe went well.  i can't believe he's 6!!!

Sunday:
Church...  and then this afternoon we just hung out.  I went and worked out a little... Ryan worked out a little...  and that was our day.  Pretty quiet.  

Iowa is supposed to get a big ice storm tonight into tomorrow...  nothing so far, so we'll see what happens.  I have tomorrow off for MLK Day... so regardless, I'll be home - doing random stuff.  I'm really looking forward to it.  

Not many pics this week...  I need to get better at that!

Dear Kids...

I didn't write this letter below - but I honestly feel everything that is in this letter could have been written by me.  I have all of these feelings and I wanted to save it here, so someday, my kids will read it.  I actually will print this and have them read it soon.

Dear kids,
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I see that you’ve grown over night. Your face is more defined, your eyes look older. A part of me is excited and in awe; I know you have so much ahead of you. Another part is scared because time is racing and I can’t slow it down. I’m afraid that I haven’t always been awake and noticing, and that somehow I have slept through the magic of your growing. I wonder, have I enjoyed you enough? Have I given you what you needed? Is your heart still whole? Is your spirit unbroken?

I’m not always good at this.
I’m not always as good as I want to be at being your mom.
I want to be great; and sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m not.
Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don’t.
Sometimes I do it right, and sometimes I completely miss it.
Everyday I make mistakes.

Sometimes I snap when I should be sensitive. Sometimes I lecture and give chores when what you needed was a hug. Sometimes I completely and utterly miss it. I know that I do. I mistake your pain for complaining or your sad heart for a bad attitude. I watch myself miss it, and later I grieve that I didn’t respond differently.
I miss it when I am tired, and you get my leftovers at the end of a long day. I wish that you didn’t, but sometimes you do.
I miss it when I am scared. I am scared of big things and little things. I really thought adults had it all figured out, but I am one now, and it turns out we don’t. Sometimes fear snatches my heart and I can’t seem to think of anything else. I forget to relax and to enjoy you. I forget to smile and to laugh. I’m working on that.
I miss it when I am lost. I’m struggling with my own demons and it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes it’s anxiety or it’s depression, but it’s never, ever your fault. I will keep striving for wholeness so that when you reach those obstacles I can help you do the same.

I know that it is easy to hang on to the negative things and forget all the positive, but I want to set the record straight. When I look at you I am SO. PROUD. When I look at you I see good. I see someone who is mighty. I wonder how I have been trusted with such a treasure. Your heart is pure and soft. You are gentle and kind, you are vivacious and fierce.

I am forever your biggest cheerleader and your greatest fan.

Please keep helping me to see you and to know you. Keep telling me when I hurt your feelings. Keep sharing with me your fears and your insecurities and we will figure it out together.
I’m okay with making mistakes, but I’m never okay with losing your heart. Your heart is what matters to me.
I hope that my weakness teaches you something. I hope that when you come upon your own brokenness, tiredness, fear, and confusion, that you will be okay with it. I pray that your imperfections won’t scare you as they have me. I pray that you won’t run from them, but that you’ll wrestle with them and you will keep showing up, saying sorry, and trying again.

We don’t always get it right and that’s okay.

We are all professional mistake makers, and you will make lots and lots of mistakes. You will make countless amounts of mistakes, just like I have, but not one could darken the light I see when I look at you. You are my treasure, you are my reason.

Even though life is racing by, sometimes we have a moment. Sometimes we can reach out, grab time, and hold it. The world stops, all is quiet, and we really see each other. In this moment when I glimpse the person you are and who you’re becoming, all I can think is…

Wow.

On this morning, where it seems you’ve grown overnight, I want to tell you that you are wonderful. You amaze me everyday – and as I watch you, you inspire me. You inspire me to pull out the greatness that’s inside me. In this family we will make mistakes, but we will keep doing it together and we will keep holding each other tight.

It turns out I’m never, ever, going to be perfect, but I am always and forever yours, and I’m always and forever on your team. That I can promise you.
I love you.

Weekend

I'm sad that the weekend is nearly over...  but super glad to be home, warm.  It's been super cold here, and frankly - I'm over it!!  When can it be 60-70 degrees again?

Friday:
Supper out, then back home and just hung out.  I think the past couple weeks had caught up to me -- I've been super tired, and it hit me hard Friday night.  SLEEPY.

Saturday:
Kayson started basketball!  Every Saturday in January, he'll have 2 basketball games.  It was fun to watch - he does pretty good.  He's not aggressive, but he can shoot the ball - once he gets the ball.  Mike and JeanAnn came to watch too, so that was nice.  

Back home to do a few things, and eat a quick lunch - then we headed down to Creston.  That afternoon/evening - Ryan, along with his old high school basketball team, was being inducted into the Hall of Fame through a radio station in Creston.  So coo.  It's been 20 years since the team won at the State tournament.  The players and coaches had a 'gathering' that afternoon to just catch up with each other.  I know Ryan enjoyed himself seeing some old teammates/friends.  I had a nice time as well.  Then they were officially inducted during the half time portion of the Creston HS game.  

1997 Basketball team

Following that - we all grabbed dinner out, then the kids went back to Mike & JeanAnn's to get showered up and cozy...  Ryan and I went up to a bar in town and met up with some of the old teammates again - they were all out for some drinks, so we felt we should go chat for awhile.  That, too, was a nice time.   

We picked up Kayson (Cora stayed with Papa and Grandma for the night) - yes, she threw a fit, but it didn't last long, and she slept great. ... and had a really good time with them.  :)  But we headed back around 9pm. 

Sunday:
Church, then back on the road to Kayson's friend birthday party.  We had a really good time!

Now back home... and Cora is home too.  

What a busy weekend.

Kayson's 8th Birthday Party

a quick post on Kayson's 8th birthday party this year.  We decided on the Old School Arcade in Grimes.  It's a small building that is full of pin-ball machines and other old type of video games - Pac-Man, etc.  It was really cool... and the kids all loved it.  

A quick 2 hours there with games, pizza and yummy milk shakes.  

Front: Carter W, Rodrigo; Back: Carter K, Hudsen, Kaed, Kayson, Harrison, Bennett & Jack

Cora-ism's #1

Cora always has some random weird things she does, or bawling episodes, or just funny things...  I've decided to start a post on these...  we'll see how I do.  :)

December 2016
Frozen has re-appeared at our house.  Cora now dresses in her Elsa dress that she got LAST Christmas.  She sings and dances - mimicking almost the exact way Elsa sings and dances to the song "Let It Go".  It's hysterical.

 
January 2017
Cora wakes on a random Thursday morning... without tears.  (which is NOT NORMAL).  Typically she wakes with tears and sits on her bed crying.  Yes.  I know - pathetic.  ha.  

So she wakes... and gets completely undressed, and puts her undies on, then sits on her bed pouting.  Still no tears.  I ask what's wrong...  she then cries!  And says to me - "I want to wear leggings."  I had her Under Armour workout type leggings out!  We talked about it...  and eventually she put them on with no fight.  THEN... we moved on to the shirt.  She was wearing a matching UA long sleep top (which is the cutest thing ever)... and she starts to cry again.  (at this point, I was over it - and I sent her out to the kitchen to start eating breakfast). 

She continues to cry.  She eventually (between sobs), says - "My friend Brynn has holes in her sleeves."  (So this means - on some long sleeved tops, there are thumb holes on the sleeves.)  I personally haven't seen these for YOUTH, but for adults.  ANYWAY - that's what she was upset about and it continued for about 7 more minutes...  

And then Daddy came to the rescue and said "maybe we can find you one honey".  UM NO.  :)

The things that already come out of her mouth!!!

Weekend - and the New Year (2017!)

First...  it's weird to think that it's the year 2017.  Doesn't it?  Goodness... never thought I'd see 2017 when I think about when I was a little girl... and where I would be someday.  Crazy.

Anyway, we've had a super nice long weekend.  Ryan enjoyed the week off last week --- but I worked Thursday and Friday.  Friday I left work a little early...  just came home and hung out.  That night we stayed in, I made a nice supper.   We had bought a Sleep Number bed about 2 weeks ago --- and it was finally delivered!   and I slept well Friday night!  ha.

Saturday:
We all slept in (and speaking of that - we've all slept in this entire long weekend... so tomorrow when we have to go to work/school, it's going to be rough!!!)
Kayson went with his friend Carter to the Y to swim.  Then Carter's dad took them out for a quick lunch.  Ryan, Cora and I hung out - I was super productive while K was gone - I took down the Christmas trees, and rearrange/deep cleaned Kayson's room. It was an awesome 3 hours or so.   Us three grabbed lunch out, then back home to just relax.  Cora took a rest, I did an errand...  Kayson was home and exhausted!  
Saturday night we hung out at home too - let the kiddos watch a movie, and drink some sparkling non-alcoholic spritzer!  Which they didn't like, but it was kind of fun.   Once they were in bed, Ryan and I just hung out... lots of lazyiness at our house that night!  But that's ok - we rang in the New Year, and went to bed around 12:05!!

Sunday:
We attended church... then again, back home to hang.  Ryan and Kayson played the PS4 a little, Cora played dolls and sang "Let it Go" maybe 30 times!!!   Cora took a rest, and so did I --- another nice afternoon at home.  

Once she was up, we took the kids to Lifetime to swim.  We had such a good time...  good family time.  The kids did great. 

And another nice night at home - home made pizzas were made, and another movie night.  Man - sounds like our kids have been lazy!?!?  

Monday:
And today - will be another good day at home.  The Hawks play FB today, so we'll be glued to the TV again!  And I guess we'll be prepping for the week.  

Funny kid wanted to wear Cora's new robe.  ha.

 

Happy New Year!