Life is Hard... and Alzheimer's SUCKS.

Everyone's lives are different, that's obvious.  Whether you have multiple kids and a full time job and are busy beyond words, whether you are single and have a super important/time consuming job, whether you are older and are newly 'empty-nesters', the examples go on and on.  Everyone is busy.  Everyone's 'busy' is different than others' 'busy'.  And everyone's life is hard in some way.

For me/us, our life is good.  It really is.  Yes, we are busy (in our own little way).  Yes, we get stressed about money or time in general, but we are lucky.  But right now, life is hard for me.  I'm saying just 'me' solely because I personally am aching inside.  I put on a good front...  with my work family that I'm with for 8 hours a day; with my friends; even with Ryan and the kids sometimes.  But Ryan knows.  Ryan knows I'm aching...  because of my Mom.  Some days it's literally all I think about.  Other days, it just passes me by from time to time.  

Life is hard.  Life is really hard for my Mom.  and my Dad.  Alzheimer's SUCKS.    It's literally taken my Mom away from me, my sisters, my kids and my Dad... and MANY others.  She's no long here.  I don't have a Mom anymore.  (these are my words... as I've heard others say "Sure you have a Mom still".)  I personally don't feel that I do.  She's not the same Mom that would work hard at home getting our lives in order as kids, and taking care of everything including my Dad when he was busy in the fields.  She's not the same Mom that drove us to town for everything... hauled our butts around or supported us in every single athletic or musical event.  She's not the same Mom that used to come to my house and clean.  Yes, she'd clean.  Because she loved it!!!  She's not the same Mom that would sit and talk about everything...  and get on the floor with my kids... and hold them and snuggle.  I could go on an on.  She's not the same Mom.

I'm not good at this.  I'm not good at 'dealing' with this disease and how it's affecting her and Dad.  I simply want it to go away.  We live 1.5 hours away, and that's just it.  We don't see it.  My sister, Tricia is good with this... for the most part.  She's a nurse, she's got it in her.  However, she said to me the other day -- "I'm treating her like a patient, not Mom."  That's hard.  We are at a point where the disease is officially taken all the good out of Mom.  And I'm not good at this.  I'm not good at talking about it.  I'm not good at even crying about it.  I cry a little... and then it's gone.  It's almost like I'm numb...  It's probably cuz I'm not there all the time.  I don't see it.  But I get mad.  I get sad.  And I get mad again.  Why us?

Some people (even myself) don't really agree with how things are being handled with Mom.  We all (meaning my sisters, our husbands) know that she needs professional, medical help - she needs to be cared for by someone else than Dad.  Obviously nothing against Dad, but he can't do this.  He can't do this all the time.  We have to keep him healthy... and sane.  This is a lot of work.  We have mentioned the care center to him... and he just listened.  I get it.  He's been married to her for 51 years.  51 years.  Hard to hand that over to someone else - a stranger technically.  I get it.  We all get it.  But really...  he/we need to step back and know that the way things are being handled now is not in the best interest of Mom.  Hard to soak in.

I'm all over the place with my feelings (and this post).  Part of me gets selfish... I think of my kiddos - they don't really know their Grandma, the true Grandma that was my Mom.  They really don't know Papa Paul either, just because he's been so consumed with Mom.  He's not happy either.  It literally breaks my heart.  My feelings ache for Dad.  Can you imagine waking every day knowing that his wife is so crabby and is going to yell at him all day long, and swear up and down?!  (My Mom never cussed in the life I knew of her).  She does now.  I ache for Mom.  She's confused.  She has been hallucinating.  She's lost.  She "wants to go home" (and she's home).  She doesn't know anything that's going on with her grandkids that were HER LIFE prior to 4 years ago.  She wakes every day and doesn't know what is going on.  Nothing is there.

Life is hard.  For many reasons...  and this is our life right now.  I'm so thankful that I have Ryan and my kids, my dog, my good job to keep me distracted.  I'm lucky.  But life still is hard and stressful and sad.  Why us?